Losing It

This morning was rough. I lost it at one point. Whatever you consider “it” to be: my cool, all sense of decorum, my sanity, my marbles, any amount of chill. It was lost. 

I basically threw a mini parental temper tantrum. And it was ugly. Kid one started screaming and whining, which set off kid two, and then I latched my finger into the high chair buckle, and that was the last straw. I stomped my feet and indulged in a momentary roar of my own. 

It doesn’t really matter what the first kid was whining about. Suffice it to say, it did not include bodily injury, and thus I did not consider it worth screaming about. It was not her first meltdown of the morning, and her constant screams scare the baby, which results in a house filled with grating noise and a momma stretched thin trying to dispense comfort and discipline and love all while still trying to just  wake up.

I submit to you that if you want to discover the ugliness in your heart and your inadvertent idols, parenting a three-year-old will put you on the fast track. Want to know what your priorities really are? Attempt to get two kids out the door and wait for the chaos to ensue.

I value punctuality. And in the past eight months, I’m not sure if we have been on time once. And when we have an outside glimmer of hope that just maybe we will get out the door on time and arrive at our destination when expected, that hope is inevitably shattered. By a headband emergency or a breakfast catastrophe. Or the umpteen refusals to get dressed.

And I should be used to this. My patience should have been tested and grown to allow for us to be late and for me to still be loving. Alas, the idol of timeliness and looking like I have my life together keeps rearing its ugly head. 

I want so badly to feel in control and appear to others like I am succeeding at parenting two kids. But a lot of the time, I’m just not. I’m not patient enough or rested enough or organized enough to meet every need before we hit meltdown mode. And that is why I need Jesus. Every day, every moment.

Because there will always be more ugliness in my heart. And He will always have more than enough grace to cover my imperfections.

So to all my friends in the trenches of parenthood today, I pray grace and patience over you. Here’s to a second cup of coffee, deep breaths, and relying on Jesus for the rest of today.