Thursday, February 22, 2018

Create vs. Maintain


I am a stay-at-home-mom. This is both the best of jobs and the worst of jobs, in my opinion. Because it isn't really a job so much as it is a lifestyle or an unpaid labor situation. I was the girl in high school who unabashedly declared my intention to be a SAHM, to the jeers of my fellow students. This has been my dream for so long that it's seeped its way into my psyche. And yet...
There's a lot of maintenance that goes along with taking care of children and a home day in and day out. (And night in and night out, but I digress.) At least for me, there is very little creativity involved with keeping children fed, semi-clean, and clothed. Lots of love and patience, but very little creativity. I believe in a divine Creator who knit me together and gave me the privilege of participating in the divine creation of my children. But now that they are topside, they require a whole lot of maintenance. The baby needs to be held, and have diapers changed, encouraged to sleep (endlessly, it seems), and fed (solids and breastmilk). The three-and-a-half-year-old needs to be fed and clothed and feel like she is heard. And the child loves to talk as much as I love to write. She needs to be played with and read to, and then there's all the chores required to keep the house running and decently clean. Dishes and laundry and vacuuming, oh my!
All of which leaves precious little time to think, much less create anything. And I yearn to create. Words are my typical medium, but I've been dabbling lately with watercolors because I can sometimes "mother" and paint at the same time, if the little lady is willing to create her own masterpieces at the table with me. So here I am, stringing together a few words during nap time, and trying to carve out a space for the creativity within. So many of my linguistic compositions never go anywhere beyond my mind, and in the fog of sleep-deprivation and the unbearably long list of tasks that need doing, I all too often allow creating to fall victim to the demands of maintaining. If you buy into Maslow's Hierarchy, I submit that taking care of small children forces you to camp out on the bottom two levels, which is painfully annoying.
Lest you worry, I am not going to let my children run around naked or go hungry, but I am recommitting to find ways to squeeze in moments of creative expression throughout my days.
Maybe that means I'll be composing more blog posts, or maybe it will take another form. But since I believe in a Creative, loving God who cares more about my kids than even I am capable of and who counts me as one of His children, I also believe that He cares about my desire to create. And in the midst of the holy mess of motherhood and maintenance, I think God cares enough to grant me time to continue participating in the divine gift of creation.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

To my Friend Becoming a Mom

Hey friend,
You're embarking on the biggest adventure of your life. I'm so excited for you! And sympathetically feeling all the feels. Because kids are...well, they're all-consuming. And delightful and frustrating. You will (literally) give your blood, sweat, and tears for them. And you will be willing to give your life for them. Some days it will feel like you have given your life for them. They will be covered with your kisses and prayers. And you will be so tired. Weary in your bones, my friend. Mothering will uncover some ugliness in your heart, and you will question whether your children are unusually needy or you are exceptionally selfish. For the record, my dear, their neediness is probably average, and your selfishness is normal. But it is hard. And worth it. Simultaneously. You will sometimes hold them in your arms and feel so fiercely protective and so thoroughly exasperated that they won't just.go.to.sleep that your heart will actually ache from the sheer intensity of it.
There's so much strife and so much joy in parenting little ones. It's a constant tangle of contradictions. They smell so good. It doesn't matter which baby wash or lotion you use, they still smell so sweet. Sometimes you will bury your nose in their neck or breathe in the top of their heads and feel that all is right in the world (for a second or two.) Your body will feel foreign and miraculous and utilitarian. Because your body can grow a child and deliver that child and then nourish that child. It is powerful and awesome. It is also sticky and painful. There is something so transcendent and humbling about the physicality of keeping a child alive. You will have many internal debates about how much and what types of bodily fluids necessitate a clothing change. Because there is already so.much.laundry. You will be mired in physical contact with your offspring for more than half of the day (and night when they're tiny). It's not so much the loss of freedom that will get to you; it's the loss of self. You will carve out a new space for this new you, but it will take time. You are not just a mother, but motherhood will change who you are in ways that other life changes just don't. People talk about priorities shifting and your heart expanding, and that's true, but it's more than that. Sometimes becoming a mom fulfills a lifelong dream and you neglect to realize that it's also an ending. You are now the one who has little ones looking to you for sustenance and answers, and all the parenting philosophies in the world will not prepare you for the reality of it. Don't read all the articles. Screen time and gender roles and advice about how to make your child smart can make you doubt your ability to do the best for your kid. So read them sparingly. And trust in your gut and God. Because at the end of the day, your kids will remember the love and care you show them, not all the imperfections and apologies you had to make. At least, that's what I'm banking on because I am very much in the middle of this young motherhood phase, and the results of my mothering have not come to fruition yet. Give yourself grace. And take deep breaths. Seek advice when you want it, and pray constantly. You've got this, friend. It's going to be beautiful, and I truly am so excited for you!

Lots of love and grace,
Jordan